What good am I doing?

Some days, those days when all I’ve had was a coffee, or two or three, my hair hasn’t seen a brush, nor my teeth for that matter, and I’m still in the PJ’s I wore yesterday, I wonder “what good am I, what good am I doing?”

Dirty dishes are strewn on the table since we don’t have any counter tops or cupboards. The floor hasn’t seen the mop in a week. The dust bunnies took a vote and decided they’re going to stay for a while. I think I lost the broom, or it ran away. The dirty laundry is piling up, and the bathroom tiles are trying to grow their own science experiment.

So what the heck do I do all day I ask myself. Rather than get all down and end up crying in the fetal position in a corner on the floor, instead of mentally listing all my failures and what I haven’t done, I need to raise up my self worth. List all the things I actually accomplished during the day.

I got up. Yay for me! I made myself a coffee while dodging 3 kittens that think they’ve never been fed in their lives. While the kettle is boiling, I feed the kittens, feed the dog, clean their water bowl and give them water, water the pepper plants, put on a load of laundry, and make a hot chocolate for Peanut for when he wakes up. By now the kettle is angry at me, screaming that it’s done and enough is enough! I finally get to make my coffee.

Relax, wake up. I sit with my coffee and check in to Facebook to see how my kids back home are. See what my friends and family are up to. Then I spend a bit of time on this blog. This is my time. My only break in the day. Just mine, mine, mine!

Peanut wakes up, he gets his hot chocolate, I get him changed for the day, tame down his bed head into those beautiful curls I adore. Then he gets breakfast. I confess, most times it’s cereal and milk, although even that is a bit labor intensive since the only milk here is powdered, so I have to make it.

Now time to hang the clothes on the clothesline, and pray that it doesn’t rain. Kind of silly since it’s the rainy season here. I swear God is laughing when I am hanging up the clothes.

Peanut now is safely tucked into the computer chair, gleefully watching Super Why, Leap Frog, or some other educational video. While he’s distracted, this is my opportunity to start making the home made bread. Phew, what a long morning. Wait, what? It’s only 9:30 am??? Argh!

I tidy up the couch, putting Chef’s (my 21 yr old stepson) blanket and pillow, and his clothes, back into his room. I also put Hubby’s clothes in our room. Straighten the pillows, and sit for a few minutes as I write a small message on skype to my boys back home.

Okay, now to take out the meat from the freezer so we can actually eat dinner tonight.

By now my brain screams that it’s well past noon, but the clock screams louder. It’s only 10 am. Time for a coffee again.

Peanut gets his mid-morning snack, and after that it’s usually time for school. I teach him handwriting, thinking skills, how to read, phonics, math, geography, science, art, and try to squeeze in a read-aloud book too. This takes up about an hour and a half, but most of the time it’s broken up into 2 or 3 smaller sessions. Someday I’ll write about what a typical homeschool session is like for us, and why I sometimes would love to add some ‘Irish’ to my coffee!

Lunch time for Peanut. Coffee for me. Cut and peel all the veggies for dinner. Put the bread dough on to bake. Mmmmm that wonderful smell wafts through the house. This is heaven!

Once all the homeschooling lessons are done for the day, I record what we did in my daily teacher planner, and fill Peanut’s workboxes with his work for tomorrow. I list the main topics for tomorrow in my planner so I have less to do tomorrow. Phew, Peanut is all set to learn more stuff tomorrow!

Now it’s time to take in the laundry if the powers above haven’t decided that now is a great time to rain. Fold it, put it away as best I can since we have no closet, and our bedroom cupboard is missing drawers, and has a serious lack of hangers. I gotta purge some of my clothes, although I’m sure they could all fit in two suitcases. I used to have so many clothes, but that was another life… okay back to folding…

Break time for me. I relax by playing a couple of games on my phone. Peanut is either watching videos or playing on his Kids Fire Tablet. To be honest, I would love one of those for me, complete with a kid case. A nice pink one. Oh well, back to my Hay Day or Sim City for a while!

3:30, time to get dinner started if I haven’t already thrown it into the slow cooker. I love baking, love cooking, but our oven died over a year ago, so now we have a small countertop oven that can hold one 9×12 pan. This makes deciding what to cook a bit of a challenge, but so far I’ve managed well. Thank goodness the stove burners still work, the God of Laundry is not the God of the Stovetop!

While dinner is doing it’s thing, I take a few minutes for me. I have a daily journal, and I like to take 15 minutes to half an hour to just write. Dump my demons onto the pages, maybe even discover something new about myself. I like this ‘me’ time, and Peanut also gets to see that writing is not just a chore to do during school time, but it can be fun too.

Hubby finally gets home, and we chat a bit. Reconnect. I ask about his day, he tells me all these wonderful stories about his job, how hard he worked, his trials of the day. He asks me how my day was. In my mind, I’m screaming “Silly man, it’s not done yet, I still have 7 more hours to go!”, but I say, “it was fine. I made bread today…”

With hubby home I can finally relax, there are now another pair of eyes to watch Peanut and keep him safe. I can let my guard down and finally breathe.

Later in the night, as I lay down beside my snoring husband and peacefully dreaming little Peanut, I wonder “what good am I? What good am I doing? I did nothing today. I suck. I’m a failure as a wife and a mom.” Hubby, still sleeping, gently lays his strong hand on me. I smile as I finally fall asleep.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s