All my life I have been trying to make myself feel like I belong. Trying to create a stable base that I can call my own, my home, my ground. It hasn’t been easy, finding this elusive thing.
When I was a child, that wonderful feeling always happened when I was at my grandparents home. There was no judgement, no pressures, and I felt like I was always wrapped in a warm blanket of unconditional love. I wanted to keep that feeling alive with me wherever I was. Not an easy thing, especially when your world keeps changing and you fear what may come next (but I’m not ready to write about that yet).
I became a mom at the ripe old age of 23. And again at 27. I wanted my kids to feel this love, this grounded stability that I very rarely had. I sheltered them from harm, loved them, gave them all I could give. I pushed to give them roots, so that they could learn to fly. Funny how life is, you give your all to your children, and in return they leave to make their own homes, their own roots. And the best part is when they find it, your heart sings!
After all the years of hiding my pain, of silent tears behind a mask of a smile, pretending to be the perfect daughter, to pretend to have the perfect relationship, to always be making excuses and hiding the abuse, I had enough. My kids were grown, and with a lot of soul searching, I realized those roots I needed so badly were never going to grow in toxic soil, they never had and never would.
These past few years, after finding the strength to take a leap of faith and actually start again, I realized that stable base was not a place. Not at all. It was a person. Finding the man I eventually would marry is what gave me my home, my roots, my wings. I realized what that all important foundation is – trust, honesty, truth, love, and respect. Things I never had as a child, except from my grandparents. Things I never had from my ex partner. I realized I had always been a ship, sailing on rough seas, never finding my harbour till I met my husband. He is my foundation, my rock, I can melt into him and feel complete. I pray he feels the same way. Love and passion, attraction, they are the icing on the cake, but the cake itself is the absolute best part. (Oh, and mine’s chocolate, yummy! hahaha!)